stars · are · small · and · strange

i feel so impatient. so anxious now.
i am poised for pain and yet it only teases when my legs go out from beneath me or i fall to my knees cause it feels like she's got a leg nerve in each little fist...

sometimes i feel her pushing downward like she could just push her own way out, but things have to happen first.

the signs can mean everything or they mean nothing at all.
it seems this is the weather...all stargazing and chicken bones.

but i will know it because it will come on like a train.
it's just that there's no schedule posted and time slows when you're waiting on a life.

so tomorrow dr. graham is going to try to turn my stubborn little one from the outside. i've been feeling pretty zen about it this week. i've felt more nervous about going into labor with her in this breech position than about the procedure, but admittedly there are the rippples of nerves crawling about as tomorrow gets closer. i think it's simply because this is a completely foreign to me. there is uncertainty only because it is unknown.

nothing matters but her. complete truth. and peace returns...

it's early...too early. although i had a slight reprieve in my eighth month, it seems the sickness is returning for these final weeks.

the little one is apparently being a bit stubborn about turning herself and is currently riding frank breech style (which basically means she thinks she's gonna come butt first.) i've been trying to explain to her the various reasons this is entirely disagreeable. i've been preparing all these months for us to have a natural birth experience, but they won't allow me to do it with her in her current position.

i've been talking with her, lying upside down on an ironing board, putting frozen vegetables on the top of my belly with a warm rice sock kept low for coaxing her down, but i still feel her little head high above my belly button, and nearer to my heart. monday i go in for a consultation about external cephalic version, which is a scary name for a procedure in which the doctor will, with assistance, turn the baby manually from the outside. it's not a very comfortable process, but it could be good practice for labor, as i'll be using breathing to deal with any pain. i'm a good candidate for this procedure, so if i can't get her to turn on her own, i am hopeful that this will work.

however it happens, the time draws nearer when i'll hold her for the first time. what she is already revealing to me in love goes so far beyond anything i've ever experienced. i feel an energy course through me when i focus on her which vibrates my very being. there is nothing else like it in this life.

~.~

I am just absolutely convinced that the best formula for giving us peace and preserving the American way of life is freedom, limited government, and minding our own business overseas.
~Ron Paul


I am absolutely opposed to a national ID card. This is a total contradiction of what a free society is all about. The purpose of government is to protect the secrecy and the privacy of all individuals, not the secrecy of government. We don't need a national ID card.
~Ron Paul


Justifying conscription to promote the cause of liberty is one of the most bizarre notions ever conceived by man! Forced servitude, with the risk of death and serious injury as a price to live free, makes no sense.
~Ron Paul


Everyone assumes America must play the leading role in crafting some settlement or compromise between the Israelis and the Palestinians. But Jefferson, Madison, and Washington explicitly warned against involving ourselves in foreign conflicts.
~Ron Paul


When the federal government spends more each year than it collects in tax revenues, it has three choices: It can raise taxes, print money, or borrow money. While these actions may benefit politicians, all three options are bad for average Americans.
~Ron Paul


The moral and constitutional obligations of our representatives in Washington are to protect our liberty, not coddle the world, precipitating no-win wars, while bringing bankruptcy and economic turmoil to our people.
~Ron Paul


Setting a good example is a far better way to spread ideals than through force of arms.
~Ron Paul


I have never met anyone who did not support our troops. Sometimes, however, we hear accusations that someone or some group does not support the men and women serving in our Armed Forces. But this is pure demagoguery, and it is intellectually dishonest.
~Ron Paul

That's what little girls are made of...

I had a sonogram on Thursday. I never imagined how beautiful the spine would look or how clearly I would be able to see her little feet, her tiny arms and even her heart beating with such strength in her chest. I was so worried, but she looks perfect!

I always go deer in the headlights when someone asks me about my cravings.

so that i remember...

apples (at least one a day)
ambrosia, winesap and pacific rose
blueberries (whenever i can afford them)
365 organic cheese ravioli
sparkling mineral water (1L a day)
blue diamond chocolate almond breeze (yum!)
grapes

Now that she can hear me it's time to start reading her first book..."The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," of course!

Then there's the matter of a name...

That's how pregnant I am.

I've been in the closet with it because everything feels less certain once you lose a baby.
Still, this time has been completely different. Things will be ok and sometime around the first of May, I hope to meet this little one.

I've made an art and scientific study on the best possible things a girl can vomit. (Cold Water #1...Chinese Food DEAD LAST!)I'm even still discovering things that can make me sick! Yesterday, in the middle of November, I learned that I could overheat and faint at a Starbucks. How cliche of me.

I don't like being pregnant. There...said it! I don't like feeling restrained or distracted at work by my physical form. I'm used to being stronger than I look and doing whatever I need without asking for help or stopping to throw up in a trash can or worse, a public toilet.

Is it totally weird that so far I find pregnancy completely embarrassing? I've even had a couple of women tell me they missed being pregnant! How is this possible?! I think you ladies have lost your marbles! I'm not a bad person and I really think I'm going to do just fine as a momma, but low I don't think I'll ever miss pregnancy!

Ultimately, all will be worth this sillyness. It's probably weird right now because it's still "it" ...the creature within. I think I'm finding out the sex in December. I'm only having the one sonogram, but I do want to know. I think it will help me start bonding more deeply with the critter.

Time to try to get back to sleep for a bit...

It's official. The only cups in my home that weren't made in China...
happen to be the little coffee cups that make up my Wedgewood China set(Made in England).

The universe has such a stellar sense of humor!

I am sorry for the conditions Chinese workers have been living with for so long now. We (the U.S.) are indirectly causing and funding slavery through our gluttonous demand for cheap goods from overseas. We've been hurting them and YES, hurting ourselves as well.

Thank you China.

I sincerely hope that you will inadvertantly save my nation from consumption!